Empowered Sex Asks: What is Sexy?

Empowered Sex Asks: What is Sexy?

A little while ago, upon realizing that Christmas was only a couple weeks away, I made an attempt to get into the holiday spirit. For some reason, the song “My Favorite Things” by Julie Andrews was going through my head. Now, I’ve got nothing against kitten whiskers or woolen mittens, but I started to ask myself, ‘what are MY favorite things’?  And so I came up with my own lyrics to the song. Humor me for a minute and sing the following to the aforementioned tune:

Vodka and chocolate and red wine & kissing
Cuddling up with someone I’ve been missing
Good conversation and spreading my wings
These are a few of my favorite things!

Candles and hot tubs to get juices flowing
Play some good music – who cares that it’s snowing?
Hot steamy sex, AND without any strings!
These are a few of my favorite things!

When the cold bites, and the snow flies, when I’m feeling sad,
I fondly remember my favorite things, and then I can feel sooo BAD!

Ok, so I realize Julie Andrews came from a nunnery, but I like this ‘empowered woman’ version better.  Thinking about my favorite things led me to reflect on what I think is sexy. A natural progression for me, since most everything I do relates to sex – a professional hazard perhaps, but one I’m happy to live with.  I have two trains of thought on the topic of ‘what is sexy’.  A) What makes a woman sexy? B) What do women find sexy in a man? There are a lot of cars on both trains, so let’s take the ‘A train’ in a future article and go for a ride on the B train this week.  (And yes, I like Glenn Miller too, so pun intended!)

Writing and speaking about sex, and running a car service called Cougar Limo, among some of the other things I’ve been involved with for the past year, somewhat creates a set of expectations in people’s minds. When a friend of mine recently confessed to me that she can feel a bit intimidated when dating what she considers a ‘hot’ guy, I realized that I have often felt as though I can’t be seen in public with anything but. And you thought only middle-aged men were guilty of this??? In fact I will confess at the risk of sounding superficial, that there have been times when if I couldn’t find a date to support the image I thought I needed to project, I have attended certain functions alone. I’m not proud to admit this, but if I’m going to encourage my readers to get real with themselves, then I can’t be afraid of getting naked with you, can I? The bottom line, however, is that regardless of others’ perceptions, we each have our own idea of what sexy is, and it definitely changes with time and experience.

I am not ashamed to admit that since the end of my 18 year marriage I have become quite self-indulgent. Having been in a relationship and a successful career at a young age, saddled with the responsibility of being the primary bread-winner most of the time, I didn’t have the free-spirited experience in my 20’s that most people have.  Therefore, I will not apologize for taking advantage of the opportunities that came my way after my divorce. I was like a kid in a candy store, and all of the candy was free! But as we know, candy will not nourish us the way veggies will, and if we eat too much of it, it will certainly take its toll on our well-being. Being clear about our choices and how they make us feel is as critical in dating and relationships as it is in our diet.

It is typically through having or experiencing what we don’t want that leads us to know what we do want. What I have learned along my journey is that my definition of sexy has changed.  Now I’m not saying that I will bypass a tall, dark, handsome man with a six-pack (above his belt, not in his hand) for someone who doesn’t care how he looks. And I’m not talking about ‘settling’ either. Trust me. There are plenty of ‘hotties’ out there of all ages if you remain open-minded. What I am saying is that no matter how ‘hot’ I think a guy is based on his looks, the attraction will quickly fade if there isn’t something going on beneath the surface.

It seems to be a natural side effect of becoming self-aware, self-loving, and self-empowered that we come to know what truly feeds us in a relationship. We then easily attract partners with those qualities to us. But can one person truly possess all of the qualities I am looking for? Possibly, but nobody is perfect. So it’s important to know what my priorities are, what turns me on, and what I am not willing to tolerate. For example, I have come to realize that I am attracted to men with a strong intellect who are open-minded and have a good sense of humor. Sexual chemistry is a biggie, but unless it is coupled with intellectual stimulation, it’s not enough to keep the boat afloat. As a writer, I find that words can be very seductive, as long as they come from the heart and don’t get too syrupy. So men who are in touch with their feelings and know how to articulate them in a clever way are uber-sexy to me. A man who’s not afraid to show his emotions will steal my heart. But at the same time, I want a strong MAN, not one who will fall apart at the seams when he’s having a bad day. Sensitive – sexy, passive in the sack – NOT.

Not sure what it is that turns you on? Think about what kind of men made your heart go pitter-patter in the movies. I like old movies, so in my book, Cary Grant was the ultimate heart-throb of the 20th century, where as John Wayne didn’t do a thing for me. As a result, I am drawn to men with a sense of style, sophistication and class, rather than someone more comfortable in a cowboy hat or tennis shoes and t-shirts, whose idea of a nice dinner is chicken wings and Budweiser .  Variety is the spice of life, and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with any of it. The key is to know what you want. What turns you on? What do YOU think is sexy? If you go to the supermarket hungry, without a shopping list, what are you going to come home with? It’s happened to me, and it’s not pretty. Afterwards I would look at my cupboard and fridge and wonder what the hell was I thinking? If you want to cook a quality meal you plan ahead and make a list. Don’t you think you deserve the same in your relationships? If so, take the time in the preparation, and you’ll never be disappointed with the end result.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a hot, steamy, sexy, good night!

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3 comments to Empowered Sex Asks: What is Sexy?

  • Tom (JT_Writer)

    To inject some male perspective..

    I think sexy is so subjective. To be blunt when I was younger it was all about looks. That’s shallow to me now but I blame my age and raging hormones.:)

    The older I get, the more I see sexy in simpler things. At 40, no make-up and a pony tail blows my mind. At 25 I wouldn’t have looked twice.

    Intelligence, confidence and humor are all primary factors for me now. 10 years ago not so much. My attitude was, why care about those things when it’s just casual sex. Rightly or wrongly that was my logic.

    A sexy mind definitely trumps the hot girl with nothing to talk about these days. Less is more, that includes make-up, perfume but not clothing or confidence. Having to imagine what’s underneath is much sexier than having it all right under your nose.

    Great post Patti. Your honesty is refreshing.

  • admin

    Thanks for sharing your perspective Tom! Wisdom is the upside of aging! Perhaps I should ask you to write a guest blog on what men find sexy!

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