Empowered Sex Asks: Why do men lie to women?

Empowered Sex Asks: Why do men lie to women?
It occurred to me recently that no matter how much we try to downplay the importance of sex in relationships, especially in this country, it just may be the biggest motivator in our lives. Makes sense really, since sex is necessary for survival of most species on the planet.  I talked with a personal fitness coach recently who told me that the real reason most people want to lose weight is so they can be more attractive to the opposite sex, even though they’ll tell you it’s for their own health.  Let’s face it, everyone wants to be loved, and sometimes, we just want to get laid.

Disclaimer: This is just a theory of mine based on personal research and observation. I do not mean to say that women never lie to men, or that all women consciously prefer to be lied to. Nor am I saying that all men are liars, even though if you ask women, their opinion is that most men are.

So why do men lie to women? Uh, because they want sex. Why do they feel they have to lie to get laid? Because most women want to be lied to before they give in to their natural, primal urges. Why do they need to be lied to? Because it’s the only way they can enjoy gratuitous sex without feeling guilty about it. Why? Because unfortunately, no matter how far we’ve come in the past century, women are still viewed differently from men for openly expressing their sexual desires.

Photo credit: Forget Me Not Imaging, Denver, CO

A local radio host said to me recently –“no woman wants to feel like a whore.” Interesting observation, but I think it’s more than that.  After all, a high-class whore is respected by her clientele and financially rewarded for what she does. She can simply walk away with no risk of being hurt and spend the money on whatever she wants! That seems much more empowering than what often happens in our dating relationships. The truth of the matter is that no woman wants to feel like they are being lied to or running a brothel for the cheap and needy.  And no one, male or female, wants to feel manipulated. Strange thing is that most of the women I talk to, (especially over the age of 35) tell me they are more likely to be attracted to and sleep with a guy, if he is completely honest with them. So how did we get stuck in this pattern of deception when it comes to sex?

Is there such a thing as justifiable lying, or being too honest? Is the entire concept of truth similar to “a tree falling in the forest with no one there to hear it” theory? If we don’t suspect the lie, and never uncover the truth, we’ll never feel the pain – so, no harm, no foul?

Since there are probably very few of us who can say we’ve never told a lie, I’ve broken down lying into three general categories. I call this theory the 3 E’s of lying. They are: to avoid Embarrassment, to Embellish, and to Entertain.

Sometimes people lie to protect themselves, and sometimes they lie because they think they are protecting someone else. Naturally, many people embellish or make shit up just to be funny or entertaining. Beyond the 3 E’s however, there is lying to manipulate. And I think that this is where relationships really fall down.  I learned where the term ‘liar, liar, pants on fire’ came from. Apparently when a man has a burning desire to get in a woman’s pants, he will tell her anything to get what he wants.  Ok, so sometimes a man thinks with his little head, so what? Sometimes women let the little kitty below make their decisions for them too. I’ll admit that. But why is it that lying to get what we want from others seems to have become an acceptable practice? Could it be that it’s what we’ve come to expect from our politicians, our major corporations, and our media, so somehow it just seems like status quo? Can we even handle the truth??? Just take a look at the problems we are facing in our country today. We all had our heads in the sand for years while our economy was caving in around us. In my opinion, lying to manipulate is the ultimate form of disrespect. It means that you have made a judgment and an assumption about the person you are lying to. You just took away their freedom to make an educated decision. What gives anyone that right?

Just a side note: Beware of those who feel they have to tell you how honest and authentic they are.  If someone has to tell you that rather than it being evident in their character, that should be a red flag in itself. It’s like people who like to tell you what a good Christian they are because they tithe and go to church every Sunday, or like people who brag about money. They are usually the ones who don’t have any. A woman who has embraced her sexuality doesn’t need to wear a t-shirt that says “Sexy”.  Why state the obvious?

I wonder what would happen if we were all forced to tell each other the truth for one week? How would relationships be different from the beginning if we could all get honest with each other? Could you handle it if a guy said to you, “Look, I think you’re really sexy, and I just want to know what it’s like to fuck you.”  Or could a woman say, “Hey, this guy I really dig just ditched me, and I need to have revenge sex so I can rebuild my self-esteem.” Or what if you ask ‘what happened’ and they say – ‘I’m just not that into you.’ Or ‘To tell you the truth, your penis is too small for me.’

Have you ever seen the movie, “The Invention of Lying”, starring Ricky Gervais? I love this film. He picks up the hot girl for a first date, and she tells him that she was upstairs masturbating. When the main character played by Gervais invents lying, he approaches a woman on the street and says, “The world’s going to end unless we have sex right now.” And she replies, “Do we have time to get to a motel or should we do it right here?” Wouldn’t relationships be really interesting if we could all just get real with each other?

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6 comments to Empowered Sex Asks: Why do men lie to women?

  • Candy

    Brilliant post Patti:)) Your 3 E’s are bang on! Psychologically speaking men often feel the need to lie or embellish to get what they want for societal reasons.

    It’s still alien to a lot of men, that there are liberated women out there who might just want to fuck with no strings too!

    Men go overboard on wanting to make a woman feel special which is often where the lies come into play and things can go down the slippery slope to complication.

    Sexual seduction is like sitting on a fence. Not enough one way and you get nowhere, too much the other way and you can fall off with disastrous consequences.

    So glad to know you Patti! Love your posts and your open mind:)


  • admin

    Right on Candy! Thank you for your comment. I couldn’t agree more! If only more people could get it, and we could all stop playing games, life would be so much easier. I have certainly fallen off the fence a few times. Ouch!

  • Bill M

    Great article… keep em coming !!!

  • Jeff S.

    Here’s a post I placed on my blog recently, perhaps a counterpoint to your post?

    Ladies, if you’d like to find a guy who likes to have sex with you – AND enjoy something more, like staying the night, going for a hike, dining out, seeing a movie etc… Read this.
    The fear of commitment by a guy comes from years – perhaps decades in my case – of being “better-dealed” (a technical term I came up with) when we make said comitment.
    Men are pretty simple, before negative feedback messes our primitive emotions up, and you ladies end up with the non-comittal types we are now. Here’s why.

    When a guy finds a girl he’s attracted to (and she puts out), we’re just fine with sticking around for more. Pretty simple, right? However, just as we get comfortable, it seems women love to exercise their well-known prerogative – Changing their mind. Some familiar themes:

    “Oh, you know that a-hole ex I keep whining about? Yeah well, now we’re working things out – Sorry.”

    “I know I said I wanted to be seeing someone exclusively. Now It’s him.”

    “Of course I like you. I just met this other guy, and things kinda happened.”

    “I am in to you, Now I’m also into someone else.”

    “I AM into being exclusive. I’ve met someone else with whom I want to be that.”

    – The list is endless.

    So what does a guy do? He keeps his options open. He doesn’t invest much if any real emotion or effort into any one situation, because inevitably, the “situation” changes her mind.
    So, he protects himself with options. That way when one fails, the others are there to prevent a major melt-down.

    Changing your mind is hard-wired into your DNA. Making a decision is wired into ours.
    Women seem to be programmed from a young age to insist on having their cake, and eating it too. Guys eat the cake if they get it.

    So, ladies, if you want to have something more than hit-and-run, YOU need to make it worth our investment. Simply stating first that it’s what you want in your profile is a cop-out. Don’t expect us to do all the hard work for you first.
    Please don’t be surprised if it takes your guy quite a while to come around.

    After all, we’ve become quite conditioned to waiting for the other shoe to fall.

  • david Straus

    I believe men lie becaus there are so few liberated woman that are aggresive and know what they want. Most ladies want the men to make the moves and are old fashion. Love to see more ladies ask men out on a date.

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