Empowered Sex Asks: Are women ashamed to admit their secret sex fantasies?


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Empowered Sex Asks: Are women ashamed to admit their secret sex fantasies?
Women think and talk about sex more than men probably realize or than most studies show. In fact I would bet that the somewhat graphic & even crude sex discussions that take place between girlfriends could make some men in a locker room blush. But are they willing to come clean with their men about their dirty little secrets? And if they did, wouldn’t it make for more exciting sex?

Sex is as natural as breathing. But there are all kinds of sex. What comes naturally to some people may seem kinky or freaky to others.  So how do you know what your woman is thinking when it comes to sex? I’m sure you’ve met a woman at some point who dressed like a high-class escort and seemed to exude animalistic desire from every pore, only to find that in the bedroom you needed a blow torch to heat things up. Conversely, we’ve all met a church mouse who turned into Catherine the Great behind closed doors. Looks can be deceiving.

On one Today Show episode where they spent a special hour on sex, an editor from Cosmopolitan went through a selection of ‘aids’ to spice up your sex life, one of which was a set of leather handcuffs and a blindfold. She explained that in a recent Cosmo survey, more than two thirds of women admitted they had been fantasizing about restraints but were too embarrassed to admit it to their partner.  On that particular Today Show feature the host, Kathy Lee Gifford, seemed extremely uncomfortable with most of what was on the table. And we all know Kathy Lee could be the perfect example of the average American woman. All I kept thinking was “Damn, she needs to get laid. Will someone please find her a big hard dick with a man attached, so she can let go of her inhibitions? ” But honestly, when I did a little more online research on the bondage topic, I discovered a virtual plethora of websites dedicated to tying women up. Most of these were paid membership sites, which tells me that with all the free porn on the internet, women in bondage is a BIG turn-on for men.

It is an unfortunate but true statement that many women are uncomfortable with ‘embracing their inner slut’ as I like to call it.  No matter how far we’ve come in the past hundred years, there are still so many stigmas around women who fully embrace and openly express their sexuality.  Let’s face it, there are only two letters difference between the words ‘slut’ and ‘stud’ and they really do mean the same thing. They are both words that describe someone who has embraced their sexuality and is not afraid to enjoy sex, typically with a variety of partners, without shame. Yet the word most commonly used for women in this category has a negative connotation, and the one used for men produces a big old grin and a congratulatory slap on the back.
That being said, how do you get your lover to admit to and play out her sexual fantasies of being tied up or anything else? First let’s take a look at why being tied up might be appealing to a woman.

In the past 50 to 60 years, the role of women in society has greatly expanded. In addition to the traditional roles of child-rearing and housekeeping, women have become breadwinners and financial decision makers. So many women are in positions of power and overloaded with decision making, that at some point, they just want to let go. I have been surrounded by these women most of my life, and speak from my own experience. All of this control and responsibility, as men have known for centuries, gets old after awhile. At some point, you want someone else to come in and take charge, so why not do it in a safe place?

Whether male or female, it is typically more difficult to express your sexual fantasies with the person you love the most, even though this should be the safest place to do so.  Prostitutes will tell you that’s why they’re in business, and the popularity of internet porn further proves the point.  There is often a fear that we will be judged and labeled by our partner because of our sexual history or desires, and as a result they will lose respect for us, and we will eventually lose them.  If we could all get honest with one another in the bedroom, kitchen counter, or wherever you’re doing it, sex could be so much more enjoyable for all parties involved. And spicing things up is especially important if you have chosen, and want to remain happy in a committed, monogamous relationship.

So here are some tips for getting your partner to open up so you can turn up the heat:

  1. Get the conversation rolling – If your lover is open-minded about most things in life, chances are she will be open to a frank conversation about sex. While men are visually stimulated, women are very auditory.  They will remember what you say to them, even when you committed a major faux pas and you wish they could forget it. Pick the right time to broach the conversation. Women typically feel most safe and connected to a man just after having sex.  When you’re lying in bed after a satisfying experience ask her what could have made it better for her.  A question like, “what was the most erotic sexual experience you’ve ever had?”, or “where was the craziest place you ever had sex?” is a good conversation starter.  This will give you a barometer of her adventurous spirit.
  2. Try a little dirty talk- In the heat of the moment, throw out a little innuendo. If she’s got fantasies, this will give her the opportunity to start playing them out at least verbally.  Use reassuring and loving sex talk, peppered with things like “I’d love to tie you up” or “I could spank that perfect ass of yours”.  If she ignores it, she might be uncomfortable, but you’ll be able to tell by her physical reaction if it is a turn-on.
  3. Try a new move- Without using any kind of props or paraphernalia, test the water. If you think she might enjoy being tied up, try holding her hands in place while you nibble and have your way with her. You’ll be able to tell very quickly if she finds this hot, or unbearable.
  4. Do a little sexy shopping together- Plan a field trip to a local sex toy and lingerie shop.  Tell her you want to buy her a present but you’d like her to pick out whatever will make her happy. See if she sticks to the lingerie or wanders into the toy section, then watch what grabs her attention.
  5. Plan a sexy movie night- Ask if she’d be interested in watching a porn movie or internet video. Give her categories and see what she picks. Discuss it afterwards (if you get that far) to find out what works for her and what doesn’t.
  6. Read an erotic novel together- Plan a picnic in bed with a good book. There is more women’s erotica available today than ever before. Let her pick the book, or buy one on the internet with some descriptive, passionate sex scenes and take turns reading to one another.  It shouldn’t take too long to find out what excites her.
  7. Send a naughty text- It is sometimes easier to let go of your inhibitions in cyberspace than face to face. Initiate a sexting session the day before you see each other and let the sexual tension build. She may admit to some things in a text or even an email that might be hard to say in person.

A few other pointers:

  • Get to know your partner and agree on forms of sex play before randomly trying things out on her. Don’t bring her back to your place and suddenly pull the handcuffs and paddle out of the nightstand drawer unless you met her at a dungeon party. There are some great beginner BDSM (bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, sadism & masochism) toys available on the internet and in local sex toy stores. Sportsheets are an awesome alternative to using ropes or handcuffs, because they have Velcro wrist and ankle restraints that can be pulled up if the play gets uncomfortable or feels threatening.
  • Start small- If she wants to experience anal play and has never before had the experience, be aware that size does matter, and in this case, smaller is better.
  • Always pay attention to how her body responds to anything. When experimenting with fantasy – no means NO, and stop really means stop. If role-playing, establish boundaries and communication techniques before you begin.
  • Sometimes just talking about the fantasy is enough to spice things up. Just because someone is curious about something, doesn’t mean they actually want to go there. Sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality.
  • When it comes to group sex, unless you met in a swinger’s club or dating site, never bring a third party into the mix unannounced. Be sure that threesome she talked about is really something she wants to do, and not just talk about.

The bottom line: Communication is always key to a happy and healthy sex life! There is nothing shameful about mind-blowing sex between consenting adults and the brain is the most powerful sex organ we have.  Learn how to use it as such and to explore the mind of your partner, and it could take you to levels of ecstasy that will make you feel like a porn star!

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2 comments to Empowered Sex Asks: Are women ashamed to admit their secret sex fantasies?

  • Wow! Thanks for linking me on this great article!
    I for one can admit that I am not ashamed to talk about my sexual fantasies but I just don’t share them with everyone. Not everyone can embrace my kinky desires and some will want to send me to therapy if they really knew the true me. :)

  • Ron


    This is a wonderful story in a lot of ways – first it helps a lot of men actually stop and think about what makes their lover think, but mostly it is a great way, and I mean GREAT WAY to introduce your lover to ways to express herself to you. Guys, women are afraid to tell you their fantasies because they fear our judgment. It is up to us to help lead them to the place we can all communicate. Not strictly by being bold, but by a combination of boldness and intelligence. Pattie, so many of your suggestions are dead on – be patient, communicate, be sensitive, be responsive.

    Guys, she is way more freaky than you could ever imagine but it will cost you a little bit of vulnerability and a lot of trust and being open. A small price to pay for all of the ectasy that is in fact possible.

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