Empowered Sex Asks: Are women really sexually free?

Emmeline Pankhurst addresses a crowd in New Yo...

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Empowered Sex Asks: Are women really sexually free? This is 2011 in America – “The land of the free”.   But after over a century of women fighting for their rights, I keep asking myself – are women really sexually free? I don’t usually make these blog posts personal, but this one is. I’m tired, and I’m going to be absolutely straight here. I’m looking for a few good men. I don’t ask for much. I don’t want a committed relationship. I’m an entrepreneur – a busy woman who doesn’t have time for bullshit. I have no desire to make space in my closet for anyone else’s clothes, have joint checking, or wake up next to the same guy every day of my life. I do however want intelligent conversation, male company, and fantastic sex. Not even all the time -maybe just once or twice a week. Is that too much to ask?

Oh yes, there is one more thing.  I put a lot of effort into keeping myself fit and looking good. I don’t think it is too much to ask that a man do the same. I like a hard body, good looks, a nice smile, good hygiene, intelligence, a sense of style, a sense of humor & a good personality.  Ok, a big dick is good too, but if you’re experienced at pleasing a woman it’s not a deal breaker, and if you think you’re King Kong, it will never make up for being an asshole. I happen to be attracted to younger men because they are typically more open-minded, don’t have as much baggage, and aren’t looking for a second wife, or someone to grow old with.  Besides, they more often meet the above mentioned requirements. And to be quite honest, I need someone I find attractive & sexy, who can keep up with me both sexually and intellectually.  I think it’s what men are looking for in a woman as well. If you find me hot & sexy, don’t you want me to feel the same about you?

I’m too old and too real to play games. Life is short. I don’t have time to text and email for weeks on end. Don’t have the bandwidth for long distance pen-pal relationships.  I don’t have the energy to pretend I’m something I’m not. What I do have is a very strong libido, a diverse set of skills, and a need to connect. Isn’t that what most people want in life – to connect with other like-minded human beings? Isn’t that natural? A friend with benefits is just that – a friend first, with sexual benefits. And I don’t take my friendships lightly. When I connect with someone – truly connect, it can be a mutually satisfying relationship that can last for years, even across thousands of miles.

So why is it so damn hard to find this? Unlike many women in their 20’s or 30’s I’m not interviewing men for marriage, or even a long-term committed relationship, and I’m certainly not measuring them up to father my children.  I’m sure there must be men out there who want the same thing. So why can’t we all just drop the games & the bullshit and get real about it? I like variety and I’m honest about it, but I’m not into one-night stands. I’m not talking about just a late night booty call either, though that can be fun too, once you know someone.

Look, a woman who is in touch with her sexuality wants great sex, but foreplay begins long before you hit the sheets. An occasional dinner out, a little dancing, or a good conversation over a glass of wine are all good ways to get the party started. Public displays of affection are not necessary, but passionate kissing is a requirement. Spooning and cuddling are good because they just make both parties feel good. Sleepovers are ok, but don’t expect me to cook you breakfast unless I happen to feel like it. Going out to breakfast is nice too. Understand if I tell you in the morning that I have a busy day and it’s time for you to leave, or if I say I need a good night’s sleep, it’s your cue for going night-night in your own bed. Get that you are not my ‘one and only’, or maybe you are at the moment because of circumstances, and live with it. Why does it matter? It does not diminish your value in my life. Quid pro quo – I won’t ask you about what or who you’re doing when you’re not with me. I don’t want to own you, and I don’t want to be owned. I like to know you care and I’ll let you know that I genuinely care about you. As long as we’re both adult about it, and are conscientious enough not to jeopardize each other’s health, it’s all good with me.

Forgive me if any of the above sounded like a ‘want ad’, although quite frankly, I have considered placing one – “please forward resume, 5 photographs (pants on) and references for consideration and potential audition.” I used to think that this open-minded approach coupled with sex appeal and a great personality would be a man’s dream come true. But I’m beginning to think that men can’t handle it. Are we still living in a world where men think that they are the only sex who can’t handle monogamy? Please tell me it’s not true. I don’t want to lie and I don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not. I will accept you as you are and treat you respectfully, but I expect the same in return. Believe it or not, some women do understand the difference between love and sex. Newsflash: you can love someone & have great sex without ‘falling in love’.  I adore this statement from Grace Jones, told to me by her brother Bishop Noel Jones from LA: “I don’t fall in love, I stand in love. That way I can always walk away.” I’d love to meet this woman. She gets it!

Please tell me there are other women out there besides me & Grace Jones who get it too.  I can like you a whole lot, feel passionately attracted to you, even love you and simultaneously have wild passionate steamy hot satisfying sex with you. You may call that whatever you wish, but it doesn’t mean I want to comingle finances, see you every day, or own or control you. I don’t want to be controlled or owned either. Do I want to be desired? Absolutely. Do I want to be loved, adored, respected?  Of course – who doesn’t? It’s human nature. But these things are not exclusive to monogamous, committed relationships. After all, I have girlfriends that I love, adore and respect, who I love to spend time with. That seems to work just fine. The only difference is we’re not having sex because we’re not into girls. So why is it that you can’t add sex to the equation in a male/female friendship and still make it work?

What has our government, society, and religion done to us that there seem to be so few people out there who can get their heads around this concept? How many people are comfortable enough in their own skin to admit that they don’t agree with the traditional monogamous bullshit we’ve been fed all our lives – and that they still want these basic human needs fulfilled? Sometimes we’re just not at a place in our lives where we want a committed relationship, or where it makes sense. What’s wrong with admitting that? If you wish to remain celibate during that phase, that’s your business, but most of us do not. It’s never been a problem for men if they want sex without commitment. Prostitution is the oldest profession in the world. And it’s not a problem if men pretend to play by the rules but still want variety. They will simply lie about it, pretending to be committed while they continue to sample the goods in other stores. If a woman does the same thing however, she is a whore, a slut, a home-wrecker, and is ostracized. And when a woman speaks freely about these beliefs and desires, there are few women or men who have evolved enough not to make a judgment.  Men will say, ‘Wow! I like your style!’, but few of them really know how to handle this sort of honesty. Tell men that you are open-minded sexually and are not looking for a committed relationship at the moment, and all hell breaks loose. The next thing you know, they’re texting you unsolicited photos of their penis, telling you how ‘fuck-able’ you are, or flying into town unannounced just to ‘do ya’.  I’m sorry, but just because I enjoy the company of men, know how to communicate honestly about sex, and prefer variety over monogamy, it does not mean that I am running a brothel for the cheap or needy. Can I get a little respect here???

I know swingers and I know polyamorists. I respect both lifestyles & yet I don’t feel that either of them is for me. I really don’t want to have sex with someone else’s husband or with a couple, nor do I want to show up at a club for a quick ‘servicing’.  To me it’s not much different than a one-night stand. Conversely, why would I want multiple committed relationships when I don’t even want one?  l had one husband for a very long time, and that was enough. I also don’t need to become best friends with my lover’s other lovers. And that’s why I don’t think polyamory is for me either.

Maybe I’m living in some sort of la-la land – a gray area that is just too foreign for most folks to accept.  Maybe you think I’m just plain nuts or I want too much. Sex is a basic animal instinct. We can all fulfill those basic instincts by having sex without connection. We can have it with a partner or all alone. Orgasms are not only fun, but good for you! However, I believe that sex with connection is sustenance for the soul the way that food, air and water are for the body -and that sex with connection does not require a monogamous committed agreement. What’s wrong with that? Does that make me a freak? Is there anybody out there that feels the way I do?

Call me crazy, but I really do believe that if we could drop our outdated preconceived judgments and fears around sex, we’d all be a lot happier. If we could be respectful, honest and loving in all of our relationships, we’d all have more satisfying sex lives without the drama. Is it the recipe for world peace? Maybe not, but I think we’d all be more pleasant, need less anti-depressants, and the world would be a better place. Your comments are welcomed.

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11 comments to Empowered Sex Asks: Are women really sexually free?

  • Glenn Stenson

    Although many people may have similar thoughts, I respect you for saying it out loud. I won’t trouble you sending my resume because I don’t meet any of your requirements, except maybe I humored once. May you one day soon find the buff, smart, young, “unclingy” and funny men you seek. I will love you from afar. You deserve the best, my special friend.

  • admin

    You continually put a smile on my face from afar! Thank you for your input, compliments, and support!

  • Brad

    You are literally the smartest, most well educated and brilliant woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I love your views on life and its nuances. Why can’t every other woman in this world at least try to understand the things that you think are commonplace or the norm. What you say makes way more sense than what society forces on us. I continue to be awed and inspired by your bravery, your wisdom and your beauty. All of which you have immeasurable amounts of.

  • admin

    Thanks Brad for your comments! I only hope to open the minds of men & women and perhaps get them to think about sex & relationships in different ways. Can’t change the world, but am happy if I can make a small impact at least.

  • Liz Lujan

    Wish we could celebrate this article together! I agree with you more than you know… :)

  • Michael Jackson

    Awesome article!!! I am afraid jealousy, insecurity and the fear of being alone do not allow most in our society to live as boldly as the rest of us would like.

  • It requires emotionally stability to practice as you state here. It requires strength of character to state things out of societal norms the way you do here. I commend you on both.

    And it requires the men you seek to have the same qualities. There are very few, but more and more. And some of us are helping to create them. The sacred sex community is starting to birth more souls with emotional maturity (as well as scar some people, depending on the teachers you experience).

    Yes there are some men looking to practice as you describe, and we are feeling just as frustrated not to find women who feel, believe, and act the way you describe. How do people like this find each other and communicate? Maybe its another business you need to create dear. Or one for me to create. A website for just the people like you? I would be there, looking for dates in Scottsdale, San Diego, Boulder, or the Bay Area.

    Is it also part of this issue, as you seem to say, that society expects sex to be connected to lifetime partnership? It does seem that co-dependency is the norm. But we all know that now, and many people are growing beyond that.

    I believe monogamy is not for most of us, as statistics reveal, but it is for some. Polyamory and swinging are practiced in so many ways, that you might as well lose the labels and ask the individual I think. And no definition of either label is going to be right for everyone.

    I am personally somewhere between, and closer to what you describe than to either of the four: friends with benefits, monogamy, swinging, or polyamory. I suppose the closest is FWB.

    I believe it is not as much a question of “Are there people?” but rather “Where are these people”… and how to find them.

    I do believe that the more we hold our banner high for who we are and what we want as we meet people… we will be more successful in letting others see our banner, so the people that dislike it will move away, making room for the ones that like it to come closer, so we can see each other and start to interact.

  • Michelle @WritingGirlie

    Bravo Patti! :)

    I firmly believe that human being’s are not meant to be monogamous. It is societal pressures that have driven us to think and behave in such a way. I work in a Psychology related field and years of research proves, that it is in our nature; both men and women alike, to want to “spread” our seed:) Not just with one person, but with many.

    I chose to swing and have done so since about the age of 22..(Almost 18 years). Most of the time, this has given me exactly what I’ve wanted. I have had relationships with “like minded” people, who said they were on the same page. More often than not, it was not the case. After a while, the magic turned into the guy confessing love and attempting to exert control. I have never been opposed to love, just the possession and jealousy that is so often attached to it.

    I have a male friend I’ve been having sex with for 12 years. We have great sex just he and I, threesomes, even an orgy or two in the past. (Which is not all it’s cracked up to be I might add)! But we are not in love, never have been. I like him, care about him and the sex is wonderful but I don’t get butterflies when I think about him. I don’t miss him if I don’t see him for a couple weeks. So many people in my life don’t get that. They think I’m cold and wonder “how can I do it.” I used to try and explain myself to people, these days I don’t give a f***!

    I almost gave up on love until recently. I found a male version of me and for once I am truly happy:)

    People like us do exist; they’re just a lot harder to find:)

    Damn, girl, we’d have fun over a martini or five ;)

    Great post…Love your entire site…Good Luck Sexy Lady!

  • Sa'am

    Looking at the dates listed of previous responses I am very late chiming in. But as the saying goes “better late than never”.

    For years I was so frustrated and angry at myself for not being able to admit my true sexual likes, feelings, and most importantly > needs to myself. It’s as if I had always lived in an outer body experience. I finally released my “goddess” from within and could kick myself for not doing so much, much earlier. Ahhhhh, what a damn RELIEF it was!
    Like most women, I allowed society’s “rules” for women to really play a big trip for a number of years (most of my life) on my head. NO MORE!!!
    I no longer am SHY, OR afraid to tell a man WHAT I WANT in bed, or on the floor, or against the wall, or etc…..or to act out my fantasies with them. Of course it takes a special, caring man to understand, and therein lies the only problem I sometimes am confronted with. I don’t sweat it, I just finish up, and move forward in hopes that I too will one day meet my TRUE soulmate who IS the male version of me. I know he’s out there. I won’t give up – I can be patient, but in the interim, a “girls got to do, what a girls got to do” (wink).

    And regardless of having more wonderful birthdays, I have always felt that “age” is ONLY a number, your body’s sexual /emotional psyche will stay as healthy as you allow it to. You control that — NOT a number.

    So very happy to come across your blog site. I enjoyed reading other comments, and other sections.
    Thanks a million for providing an outlet to vent and most of all explore. “I’ll be back”!


  • JZ

    WOW!! You are me. I have thought these things for years. I just can’t find anyone that I am interested in. If I am, they don’t communicate so things just won’t work. As long as there’s honesty up front and throughout. Is that too much to ask? I desire the same things that you have said, and still have not found them.

  • admin

    To Sa’am & JZ – Thank you for your comments. Good for you and all women who have gotten real with themselves and who know what they want and aren’t afraid to say so. I believe that women, like fine wine, only improve with age, and the best years of a woman’s sexual life can be in the second half of the journey. What it takes to change things out there is for more women to wake up, become aware, lose the fear of being judged, and openly express their thoughts and feelings. Bravo for you both! For more of my recent articles see http://www.303magazine.com/author/patti-cakes or simply click on the sex tab on the 303 magazine site.

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