Empowered Sex Asks: Why do men assume that sexy women are bisexual?

Empowered Sex Asks: Why do men assume that sexy women are bisexual?
girls kissingHas anyone else noticed this trend, or is it just me?  I know I was married for a long time, so maybe I missed a secret sexual revolution amongst single people in a couple of decades of urbane suburban sex. But when did it become commonplace for a man to assume that just because a woman is attractive and open-minded, and has embraced her sexuality, that she wants to ‘do’ another chick?

I have to make a disclaimer before I begin. I have no judgment around bisexuality, homosexuality, group sex, or anything else I’m talking about here. I’m just making a point based on my experience and observations.

Ok, so the ‘threesome’ is an age old male fantasy. I get that. It’s not like I was born yesterday and this has never come up in my life before, but it’s getting a little extreme lately. In the past month, I have had 5 such suggestions, or requests.  And it’s not as though they are coming from a boyfriend, or even a ‘friend with benefits’ I’ve known for some time. Let’s see, there was one from an old friend, one from a new friend, one from a total stranger on an internet dating site, one in an email, and one from a former business associate.

One request was for an encounter with an anonymous third for which the guy was willing to pay. Another was only the third email reply on a dating site -“I shared your photos with a woman I’m dating and she’d like to join us. Are you open to that?” Wow, how did I so quickly move from someone interesting enough to meet for a drink, to a slice of bread in a bologna sandwich? Another was a little more general – “So how do you feel about women?”  Gee, I love women, but I love dogs and horses too. That doesn’t mean I want to get naked and roll around in bed with them. Well at least he asked before making an assumption.  Another out-of-town friend who wanted to come and visit asked if I could invite one of my girlfriends over one night to join in the fun.  Ok, I love my girlfriends too, and I’m no prude, but quite frankly, if I liked them that way, why the hell would I even want a man in my life? It sure would make life simpler. The latest opportunity was from someone I had dated before, who thought I might like the date he intended to bring to my next burlesque performance (wink, wink).

Then yesterday, I spotted a link to this CNN interview with Gail Dines, author and sociologist. It was entitled

“Has porn hijacked our sexuality?”

lesbiansexyI certainly don’t agree with everything she says, but it did make me wonder if the proliferation of pornography on the internet was somewhat responsible for this ‘threesome phenomena’ I was experiencing.  Has the easy availability of online porn led men today to expect that just because a woman enjoys sex, she must be bisexual because all women enjoying sex in porn flicks appear to be?  And does anyone watching porn remember that these women are getting paid to act?

Dave Cummings, porn veteran and writer recently published an article about how to please your woman. In it, he recommends hooking up your woman with another woman and observing to find out what she really enjoys. I have met Dave, and we share similar viewpoints on many topics, so I know that he is being sincere in believing this to be great advice for spicing up your sex life with your significant other. But he is the oldest working male porn actor, producer and director. So again, is the increased availability of pornography leading men to believe that most women are, by nature, either lesbian or bisexual?

If you look at it from a logical perspective, two women and one man really doesn’t make sense anyway. With the ratio of orifices to penis, tongue and hands, it is much more difficult for one man to satisfy two women simultaneously. As a result the women are really left to pleasure themselves or each other – the ultimate male fantasy. And we all know two women are not necessary in order to please a man. Now two men and one woman makes a lot more sense to me, but it’s funny how when that topic comes up with  men, they go all homophobic on you. Interestingly enough, two men can enjoy a woman without ever having any kind of intimate contact with one another, but the opposite is not necessarily true.  Then of course, there’s the jealousy and possessiveness factor -that old double standard again. It should be okay for a woman to watch her man with another woman, and it’s okay to watch your woman with another woman, but ‘another guy with my woman’? No way.

lonely girl
All I’m saying here is to ask before you make assumptions and innuendos. And please, if you’ve just met a woman, at least make her feel a little bit special before you discuss the ménage a trois  fantasy. How would you feel if the first time you got naked together she whipped out her artillery of vibrators and dildos? It’s great to keep your sex life at a rolling boil by trying new things, but don’t assume that everything you see in the films that you enjoy watching is reality for most women. If it were, more women would expect their men to be romantic, rich, adoring, and look like George Clooney or Keanu Reeves.

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8 comments to Empowered Sex Asks: Why do men assume that sexy women are bisexual?

  • Kat

    I’ve had 2 men before, but no desire for 2 women. I’ve never been asked. It reminds me of the TV series “Friends” when Ross had the fantasy fulfilled and left disappointed and his wife left him for the other woman. I bet the fantasy is often better than the reality

  • Alex

    I think this pseudo bi-sex thing among some younger women (18-25) came into vogue In the 1990’s as a “cool” thing for young women to do and be part of a new social paradigm. I say women because for some reason they can engage in this experimenting without having a “gay” label plastered on them instead it’s seen as sexy and cool and acceptable. Whereas if a straight man kissed another man on the lips just once his life is ruined and is tagged as being gay…this is a one way road a man can only take once henceforth the reason most men stay in hiding when involved in similar experimentation. Talk about social sexual discrimination.

  • Nicely said, and thanks for saying it! Although a considerable amount of porn includes FMF (Female-Male-Female) threesomes, much of that seems to target and cater to “that” male fantasy; Recently, however, I’m noticing that there’s less and less FMF being filmed–it’s possibly because of recent surveys showing that more and more women are now watching porn, so catering to “that” male fantasy now has less marketing emphasis, especially since budget cuts mandated by the glut of porn now available on the Internet motivates Directors to sometimes reduce the number of actresses in the production which have to be paid a performing fee.

    Two personal experience observations: First, there are indeed some women who are curious about sex with other women, either with or without their significant guy — I see this in swinging, in porn, and in my personal off-camera sex life, and some women WANT their sex lives to sometimes-or-often also include encounters with other females; Second, no man should ever assume that any woman is into other women—here’s where communications and caring come in. Guys need to always be considerate and to NEVER make a woman feel uncomfortable, pressured, or nagged into a FMF situation. Comunicate, Communicate, COMMUNICATE!

  • glenn

    The term “porn” leaves little, but a dirty connotation. The proliferation of the various acts conducted by a conglomeration of willing humans can cause an arousal of those watching. Girl-on-girl will excite any red blooded man. That doesn’t give license to ask every chick to join you in a threesome. Just me one sweet female to love tonight and I will fall asleep with a smile on my face.

  • Ronaldo

    Tried threesome before. It wasn’t that great. I was told the 2 chicks should be good friends for it to work. Ah well, maybe next time.

    I think one’s more than enough for me. I’m not greedy.

  • Amen! Well said. I love your sense of humor. George Clooney indeed!

  • Ron

    Great topic. Good point too, about porn and it’s impact on people’s viewpoints. Porn seems to be Sex Ed for many people and that is unfortunate since it is all fantasy and illusion. It is one thing to get sex advice from the Playboy advisor or any number of books and websites out there that promote real sexual advice and education and another thing to watch porn and think that all women are horny enough to have threesomes, are turned on by the sight of a man’s penis, and can achiee orgasm simply by long and hard intercourse. Like most hetrosexual men the idea of two women is enticing but like one of the commenters above it might be best left as a fantasy. Just because in a threesome, somebody must feel left out.

  • Joe

    its not an assumption, its a wish! lol!

    just had to say that. ;)

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